just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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