Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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