who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
