I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
