You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
