i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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