You can't motorboat a personality
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
