Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
