I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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