dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Everything about him screamed your future.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
