we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
