you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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