he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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