i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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