hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
