apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
