weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize