I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
