Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
