I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
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All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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