i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
