I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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