frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize