you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
