nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
