Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
