Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
