Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
