You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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