I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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