Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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