can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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