I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
