9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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