STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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