this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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