in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
