it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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