a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
