tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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