I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
