sarcasm needs its own font
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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