Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
