This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
