yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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