We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
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What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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