I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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