nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
