I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
