Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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