does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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