I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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