I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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