I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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