I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
