Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
