1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We had to coat check the pizza.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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