I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
